This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
