have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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