Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
