I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
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