A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
