Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
