He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
How does it feel to date your dad?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
