So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
