So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
