I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
