My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
