Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
