Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
