How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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