A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
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