I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
