This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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