My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Randomize
