Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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