There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
