Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
