if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
