so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
The feeling are messing with the penis
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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