i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
