My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
i need some magic done to my vagina
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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