What a fucking waste of an outfit
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
