My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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