I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
She bit a glass in half.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
