I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Randomize
