i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
