Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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