Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
