Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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