i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
