Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize