Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
