I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize