where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
