Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
