My room smells like vodka and shame
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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