New invention idea: vibrating tampons
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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