I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
We have so much sex to catch up on
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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