dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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