your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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