i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
So I just went to clothing optional bar
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
