thus making me awesome and them whores
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
