I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
