I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
