I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Your shirt... Was in my pants
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
