i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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