last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize