you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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