um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
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