while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
