the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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