No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
