I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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