my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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