I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
