Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
