She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize